


Breaking and Mending

by ideserveyou, trepkos



Category: Arthur of the Britons
Genre: Abuse, Escape, Hostage Situation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sexual Abuse, Suspicion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-21
Updated: 2010-12-27
Packaged: 2017-10-13 07:38:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/134713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ideserveyou/pseuds/ideserveyou, https://archiveofourown.org/users/trepkos/pseuds/trepkos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur suspects Kai has betrayed him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Starts at the end of episode 2.7: "In Common Cause."

‘My thanks.’

Arthur’s hollow words – all he can bring himself to say to Kai, with everyone listening – ring in his ears as they head homewards from the Giant’s Stair.

Kai rides ahead, out of earshot; Arthur is glad of it. It saves him from having to think of anything more to say to him. Perhaps Kai is desperate to get home after his ordeal as Cerdig’s hostage; that is the generous interpretation. More likely – and this is what Arthur fears – Kai doesn’t want Arthur to see the guilt that must be plain as day on his handsome face.

Back in the village at last, Kai flings himself from the saddle and strides off across the yard.

‘Where are you going?’ Arthur asks sharply.

Kai swings round, looks at Arthur as though he were a piece of horse dung on the sole of his boot, and with a savagery that almost has Arthur convinced, says, ‘I’m going to the privy, so that I can have a piss without a bunch of sniggering Saxons arguing over which of them will have the pleasure of getting me out of my breeches, and then staying to watch me –’

He heaves in a breath and stalks off.

Can it be true?

Is it so wrong that Arthur clings to a hope that Kai _has_ been so abused?

He glances towards Llud, who looks as though he would like to hit him.

Perhaps Llud didn’t see what he saw.

~~

Arthur and Llud are in the longhouse drinking mead in an uneasy silence when – a short while later – Kai pushes open the door.

Llud looks up, but Kai shakes his head and walks unsteadily into the sleeping chamber without saying a word. There is a short silence and then a muffled pounding: the sound of Kai’s fist hitting the wall, over and over.

Llud and Arthur stare at each other, until – looking more upset and angry than Arthur has ever seen him – Llud sets his mug down on the table; but instead of going to Kai, he gets up and crosses to the door.

He turns and glares at Arthur. ‘You did this,’ he says bluntly. ‘You undo it.’

He slams the door behind him; Arthur hears him tell the door-warden to admit no-one.

The pounding stops; there are footsteps; the bed creaks, and then there is silence.

Arthur sits by the fire for a long time, staring sightlessly into the flames. His suspicions are eating away at him. Kai’s distress seems genuine, but perhaps Kai is angry with himself. Arthur’s exhausted mind runs over and over the events on the riverbank, but what he saw there can only admit of one interpretation.

And if Kai _has_ betrayed him – in one way or in more than one – perhaps it is no less than Arthur has deserved for leaving Kai in Cerdig’s hands.

But surely even if Kai wanted to betray him, for Llud’s sake he would not.

And if he, Arthur, is wrong, then he is making Kai suffer a second time, and for nothing.

He has to know the truth – find out what happened in the Saxon village. And he owes it to Llud try to put right what has gone so hideously wrong.

Is it even possible?

He goes to the curtain and cautiously pulls it back.

Kai is lying on his side, stiff as a plank, with his face to the wall. He ignores Arthur’s approach.

Arthur stands beside the bed and says gently, ‘Kai. I need some answers from you.’

Kai shakes his head angrily. ‘Fuck off. I don’t want to talk to you.’

‘Well, I want to talk to you.’

‘Oh, _now_ you want to talk! Damn you, Arthur, would it have killed you to give me a kind word when I came back to you? I’d thought of nothing else but the moment I’d be with you again. It kept my mind from breaking when they –’ He sniffs miserably. ‘But you kicked me like a stray dog. You’d got what you wanted, and that was all you cared about.’

Arthur bites his lip. ‘I know you’re angry that I left you as a hostage without your consent. But because of that, our animals and our people are safe. Surely after all we’ve been through together, you owe me the truth, Kai.’

‘Truth about _what?_ ’ Kai snaps. ‘I owe you _nothing_. Leave me alone.’

‘You don’t have to keep anything from me.’ Arthur puts a hand on Kai’s shoulder. ‘Whatever it is you’ve done, I can forgive you, but I need to know.’

‘What _I’ve_ done?’ Kai turns in fury, shrugging Arthur’s hand off. ‘How am I the offender in this?’

‘I saw what happened at the Giant’s Stair.’ Arthur tries to keep his voice level. ‘How you were, with Cerdig. You were held captive for days. If he broke you down, I won’t hold you responsible.’

Kai stares at him: blank incomprehension on his face. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘You don’t have to pretend with me, Kai. If Cerdig made you agree to spy for him, that is something we can use.’

 _  
**‘What?’**   
_

Arthur draws a deep breath and says, very deliberately, ‘You were allowed to escape. Cerdig ordered his warriors to hold their spears. Have you any other explanation for that?’

Kai struggles to sit up, and glares at Arthur. ‘What are you saying?’

At last, Arthur lets some of his own pain and doubt show on his face. He can hardly bear to say it, but he does. ‘I saw you embracing Cerdig in plain sight of all his people. There is something between you, there must be.’

‘No…’ Kai’s voice is a choked whisper. ‘No, Arthur, I swear, it’s not like that. You think – you think we … you thought I would –’ He doubles over and vomits painfully over the side of the bed.

Arthur reaches out to gather Kai’s hair from his face, but Kai knocks his hand away; all Arthur can do is stand and watch.

Finally it’s over, and Kai sprawls back on the bed. His eyes fall closed, and Arthur has a chance to see what state he is in. There is a smudge of dirt on one drawn cheekbone, and a shadow of stubble on Kai’s jaw; his hair is lank and tangled, and the one wrist that Arthur can see is bruised and filthy from his bonds. He looks weak and empty, and he is shivering.

Arthur’s heart is wrung; but even now, the voice of doubt in his mind tells him that perhaps Kai is just sick that he has been found out.

‘Tell me the truth, Kai. I’ve seen the way Cerdig looks at you. I saw the way he touched you.’

Kai opens his eyes, and they are full of despair. ‘Arthur – you think I could contemplate fornicating with that pompous fool?’ He pushes himself off the bed and stands facing Arthur, though he can barely hold himself upright. ‘I escape my torment, only to find that I have forfeited not just your trust, but your respect as well. Truly I have lost everything.’ He sinks back down on the bed and puts his head in his hands. ‘Just go away, and let me be.’

‘He let you go,’ Arthur says forlornly.

‘Only because I tricked him – plotted and lied to get myself free. I thought you would be proud.’ Kai’s voice is hoarse. ‘But you choose to believe the worst of me.’ He lies down on the bed once more and closes his eyes. ‘I can’t bear to look at you.’

‘But why didn’t he have you killed?’ Arthur persists. ‘He couldn’t know that I’d hand over the animals.’

‘You gave your word,’ Kai says bitterly. ‘And I supported it, you bastard, and escaped, so that it would not be you who broke the agreement. You said it yourself. “To Celt or Saxon, your word must stand.”’ Kai trots this out as though he is bored to the bone with hearing it. ‘Cerdig believed that. And he also believed your threat to him – that if I was harmed you would cut out his heart.’ Kai swallows. ‘A promise from which I release you.’

Arthur feels suddenly cold. ‘Why? What do you mean? Did he –?’

‘It doesn’t matter.’ Kai rolls onto his side once more, away from Arthur.

‘What did he do to you, Kai? I have to know.’ He grips Kai’s shoulder and forces him onto his back. Their faces are furious inches apart. ‘When I close my eyes, all I can see is him embracing you. You were in his keeping for three days –’

‘Stop it!’ Kai yells. ‘Just stop it! This is madness, Arthur.’ He pushes Arthur away and scrambles backwards until he is propped against the head of the bed, as far from Arthur as he can get. Then he draws a harsh breath, and says between clenched teeth, ‘I gave you my word. Along with my loyalty, and my heart – but it seems that isn’t enough. Damn you, what else do you want from me? Blood? Because there’s precious little else left …’

‘Swear to me he didn’t touch you,’ Arthur says. His heart is in his throat.

Kai hesitates, and looks down. ‘That, I cannot swear to.’

It tastes like ashes in Arthur’s mouth. ‘I knew it.’ He turns away, and spits on the floor.

‘It wasn’t like that,’ Kai says, his voice subdued.

‘What was it like, then?’ Arthur is ready to walk out of the door.

‘Please,’ Kai says. ‘You asked me to tell you the truth. At least do me the courtesy of staying to hear it.’

‘Very well.’ Arthur sits down on his own bed. His body aches with weariness, but all his senses are on edge; the bleating of their few remaining goats in the byre outside grates on his nerves. He props his head in his hands and says curtly, ‘Speak.’

Kai leans back and closes his eyes, collecting himself. ‘I thought there was a chance that Cerdig might untie me if he believed I would stay and fight for him. So I played along – told him what I thought he wanted to hear. I hoped to escape, and so release you from the obligation of the bargain you had made. But he was clever. If I changed sides, he wanted you to be witness to it, so he could revel in your defeat. Meanwhile they made me stay on my feet for most of those three days, and I lay awake through most of the nights. They kept me bound and half-naked. I was dependent on my guards or on Cerdig for my every need. My _every_ need …’

He swallows, and continues in a low voice. ‘There were times when I could scarcely bear the shame of it. It was bad enough to have to ask, whenever I needed to relieve myself. But when they knew I was in need, they would take their time, wait for me to beg and plead, so they could taunt me, and handle me, and call their friends over to have a laugh at their prisoner’s expense. Each time was worse than the one before.’

He looks up, raising his chin defiantly. ‘And yes, Cerdig wanted me – but not as a spy. It seems he knows, better than you do, how much I mean to you. He thought to turn me against you, and so destroy you. He did not say so, but I saw his mind. And still, his company was preferable to that of my guards, so when on the last night he untied me, I went willingly to his quarters with him. He gave me my clothes back, brought me food and drink and talked to me, and yes, he laid a hand on me.’

Arthur draws a sharp breath.

‘Just once. And when I let him know it was unwelcome he didn’t try again. By that time I had given him confidence that I would return to the Saxon side, and that he’d have plenty of time to win me round. Just to be sure, I put on a pathetic voice and asked him whether I would please be permitted to stay. He said that I would, but that my final decision should be in the morning, when you brought the animals.’

‘And so I did. I came for you, as I promised,’ Arthur says.

‘Yes, you came. And how my foolish heart leapt when I saw you there across the river.’ Kai blinks. ‘That was when I told him I’d stay, so that he would cut my bonds and let me escape. He embraced me because he was gloating at your defeat – he said that you’d lost more than sheep and goats. He called off his spearmen because he knew you would keep your word, for good or ill. He kept saying it: “Arthur keeps his bond.” He never doubted it.’

Kai stares miserably across at Arthur. ‘And neither did I. Not for a moment. But if you have lost your trust in me – if you really think I would so easily betray you to the Saxons, or that I’ve come back here to spy for them – then I may as well move on. I have paid too high a price for supporting your pledge. Everything I valued was taken from me at the Giant’s Stair. There is nothing for me here any more.’

He gets stiffly off the bed and goes to the doorway. Without turning around he says, ‘Oh, and you needn’t worry that I’ll go back to Cerdig. That’s the last place I’d go. But there are plenty of other places where a good fighter is needed. Perhaps Mark – ’

‘You are needed here, Kai.’ Arthur’s voice sounds strange and distant in his own ears.

‘For what?’ Kai stays standing with his back to Arthur, his arms hanging limply by his sides. ‘As a gambling counter, for you to hand over to our enemies as surety for your word every time you see fit? As a tame bird, to fly singing to your hand every time you hold it out? As a faithful hound, to come running to you with whatever you need every time you whistle? Or just as straw underfoot for you to wipe your filthy boots on?’ Kai chokes on his fury, and fumbles with the curtain to find his way out. ‘No, Arthur. You don’t need me and you never have. It just suited you to make use of me. Even when you took me to your bed. Well, I’ve made things easy for you for the last time –’

‘You think these past few days have been easy for me?’ Arthur’s fear propels him to his feet. He seizes Kai’s arm to stop him from leaving. ‘You think I have not suffered?’

Kai snorts, and tries to shake Arthur off.

‘Kai, it broke my heart to leave you there. I worried myself sick about you. And _not_ because I thought you would betray me. I had Llud at my throat. We had the devil of a job to convince the rest of the village that they should hand over their animals …’

‘For a Saxon,’ Kai mutters through clenched teeth. ‘Damn you. Let go of me.’

‘No! Hear me out. I fought them for you, Kai – with words, and sometimes with blows, too, and with every ounce of strength I had left, until I had what I needed to ransom you. I barely slept. I thought of nothing else but the moment we would conclude this insane bargain, and I would have my Kai back again.’

‘And you expect me to believe that – after the way you’ve treated me today?’ Kai shakes his head violently. ‘No. It makes no sense.’

‘Neither did what I saw at the river bank this morning. I was tired, and on edge, and I feared the worst –’

‘So you condemned me out of hand without waiting to find out the truth of it.’

The bitterness in Kai’s voice is more than Arthur can bear. He drops his hand and steps back, releasing Kai; looks at the floor. He feels sick and hollow, and he knows something precious has been broken beyond repair. It is too late for an apology. Nevertheless he owes it to Kai to try to make one.

‘I did. Never have I done anything of which I have felt more ashamed. I’m sorry, Kai. Sorry for all you have suffered at the Saxons’ hands … and at mine.’

He carries on looking at the floor; he can’t bear to watch Kai leave.

There is the sound of a swift footstep; then a sudden, stinging blow to his face sends Arthur reeling.

‘That,’ Kai says furiously, ‘is for leaving me at the Saxons’ mercy.’

‘And this –’ he lashes out and delivers a second, much harder blow ‘– is for the coldness of your welcome when I returned to you.’

Arthur staggers backwards and sits down hard on his bed, offering no resistance.

‘And this is for having less faith in my loyalty than I do in yours.’ Kai’s fist strikes Arthur’s jaw savagely, cutting his lip and drawing blood.

‘And _that_ –’ He chokes, and lands another ferocious punch to Arthur’s head, laying him out flat on his back. Kai draws a harsh breath. ‘That, you bastard, is for the love I bear you, that makes me weak and keeps me here with you, when my own better judgement tells me that I should be on my horse and half a mile away by now.’

Arthur looks up at him in hope and amazement. His ears are still ringing from the force of Kai’s assault. ‘You can forgive me, then? Even for this?’

‘Perhaps.’ Kai sways on his feet, his voice suddenly faint and wavering. ‘But not now. I don’t have the strength left … I need to sleep.’ His knees crumple; he staggers to his bed, and lies there in a shivering heap.

Arthur sits up and draws a sleeve across his bruised face, wiping away the blood. He looks at Kai with concern, then comes cautiously over to sit beside him. ‘You need to get out of these damp clothes,’ he says quietly.

Kai says nothing as Arthur eases off his boots; but when Arthur turns him over and starts to unfasten the back of his tunic, he flinches and rolls away, then sits up, wild-eyed, his arms crossed over his heaving chest. ‘No.’

Arthur bites his lip. ‘Kai, I’m not going to hurt you. Nor am I asking for –’

But he can see it is no use; Kai is in some dark place of his own, and cannot bear to let Arthur touch him, or even look at him. This is worse than he thought. He leaves Kai to undress himself, and goes into the gloomy hall to find a basin and a cloth, build up the fire to warm some water, and rummage in the storage chest for some clean clothing.

‘Arthur.’

Kai is standing unsteadily by the doorway to the sleeping place, his hands open at his sides. ‘I – I need your help …’ His face begins to crumple, but he pulls himself together – grits his teeth and says, ‘I can’t reach the lacings on the back of this damned tunic. My shoulders are too stiff. Please …’

Arthur gets quickly to his feet and leads Kai back to his bed; sits him down, unfastens his tunic and takes it off him. He turns his head away and says, ‘Can you manage the rest, while I fetch you some water for washing?’

‘I think so. Thank you.’

But when Arthur comes back with clean linen and warm water, Kai is lying back against the head of the bed, with his head in his hands. He is shaking; sobbing as if his heart would break.

‘I can’t …’

Arthur puts the basin down on the chair beside the bed. He wants to hold Kai, but Kai doesn’t want to be touched; hasn’t forgiven him yet. ‘Shall I go and find Llud? Or Leni? You might find it easier to let one of them help you.’

Kai lowers his hands and looks pleadingly at Arthur. ‘Won’t you do it?’

‘Of course. I just thought –’

Kai shakes his head. ‘I don’t want to see anyone else. I just feel …’

‘I know. You just want some privacy, and peace and quiet. Not yet another person taking your clothes off and looking at you. I’m sorry.’

Kai sniffs, and wipes his face on his arm; then he looks up, and meets Arthur’s eyes. ‘I didn’t think you’d understand. I feel foolish, to be so afraid.’

‘It is not foolish, Kai. After what they did to you –’

Arthur feels a rush of anger against Cerdig and his minions, but he suppresses it; now is not the time. He closes his eyes for a moment, and takes a deep breath. He slips Kai’s unbuckled belt out from under him, speaking to him in a soft, even voice, as though calming a nervous horse. ‘Come on, then. Let’s get this over with. I promise not to look more than is necessary.’

It proves harder than either of them expected to remove Kai’s breeches; the tender skin on the inside of his thighs has been rubbed raw by the wet cloth on the long ride home, and despite all Arthur’s efforts to be careful, Kai flinches as the fabric peels back. He is filthy, too – unwashed for four sweltering days – and angrily ashamed of being in such a state. Arthur’s heart breaks for him, even as Kai curses Arthur and swipes his hands away.

At last Kai is stripped; he leans back exhausted – no longer even attempting to shield himself from Arthur’s gaze.

Arthur wrings out a cloth and hands it to him. ‘Here. Clean up anywhere you can reach easily, and don’t worry about the rest. There’s a shirt on the back of the chair.’

He turns away and busies himself: finding an extra blanket, cleaning the vomit from the floor beside the bed, dropping the soiled rushes into the fire in the hall and bringing fresh ones from the basket by the door. But all the time he can hear small gasps and whimpers of pain, as Kai struggles to wash himself, and finally he can bear it no longer.

He fills another bowl with warm water, takes the salt-box from its shelf and adds a liberal handful, and goes back to Kai’s bedside. He takes the cloth from Kai’s shaking hand.

But now Kai has cleaned those parts he could, Arthur sees that there are bruises all over his body. His head fills with a red rage. ‘Cerdig!’

‘Cerdig did not do this,’ Kai says wearily.

‘Then who?’ Arthur demands.

‘Please, Arthur. I need to be clean …’

Kai rolls over, hiding his face.

Arthur takes a deep breath and begins to clean across Kai’s shoulders, under his arms, and round the back of his neck, and then down his back. Kai shudders at every touch, but while Arthur is working, he at last begins to speak.

‘There were four of them,’ he says. ‘Four of Cerdig’s finest, assigned the task of guarding me. And in Cerdig’s sight they did just that. But when we were alone –’

He shakes his head as though to rid himself of the memory. ‘The first night, after you left me, they just put me in a hut and guarded the door. But the next day, they stripped me down to my breeches, tied my hands behind my back, and allowed me no food or drink save what I was given at Cerdig’s own hand. Two of them were always with me, and they took delight in telling me what Cerdig would do to me when you broke your word, humiliating me at every opportunity … parading me round the village on Cerdig’s orders, while he himself tried to win me back to the Saxon cause.’

The tension in Kai’s body is easing as Arthur gently wipes away the accumulated sweat and grime, but when Arthur reaches his waist, a sob escapes him.

Arthur stops, and just lays a hand on his shoulder. ‘Go on.’

‘On the last night, three of them came for me, after dark. They threatened me. Touched me …’ He swallows. ‘One of them forced me to take his rancid prick in my mouth.’

Arthur’s hand on Kai’s back becomes a fist; Kai freezes.

‘Please, Arthur, there was nothing I could do.’ There is a note of panic in Kai’s voice. ‘I’d have bitten it off, but for the grip another of them had on my …’

‘Shh,’ Arthur says. He unclenches his fist and begins to knead Kai’s shoulders instead. ‘I know. I don’t blame you, Kai. I was wrong to distrust you. I don’t know what was the matter with me.’

Kai starts to relax, so Arthur wrings out the cloth once more. He starts at Kai’s feet, and works patiently upwards.

‘They were taking turns,’ Kai says. ‘When one had finished, the second mauled me all over, and then fouled me with his issue. The third was waiting to have his way with me – he’d already told me what he had in mind, but I was lucky. They heard someone approaching and they left me on the floor and hastened back to their posts. That was when Cerdig came to make his final offer.’

‘So Cerdig knew what they’d done?’

Kai shakes his head. ‘It was dark, so he saw nothing amiss, and I said nothing, for fear my value to him would be lessened.’

‘Kai, I’m so sorry.’

Kai breathes a deep sigh. He turns over, no longer afraid, and lets himself be soothed by the salt water and by Arthur’s hands.

And when it is over and he is clean again, he looks up and touches Arthur’s cheek. ‘Your face is bleeding.’

Arthur smiles. ‘I’m not surprised.’ He feels his bruised jaw and cheekbone, and winces. ‘If that’s what you do for love, I hope I never give you cause to hate me.’

‘I don’t hate you.’ Kai picks up the damp cloth and reaches up to wipe the blood from Arthur’s face. ‘I couldn’t. I hated what you did. And I hate those guards. And Cerdig. But not you.’

Arthur helps Kai to dress, makes him eat and drink a little, helps him to use the slop pail, then settles him under the blankets to rest.

He sits quietly beside the bed until he is certain that Kai is sleeping. Then he goes back into the hall to light the torches and feed the fire. He is wondering where Llud has gone and whether to go and look for him, when – as if in answer to his thoughts – the door creaks open and Llud comes in, looking grim and careworn.

Arthur crosses the floor to his foster-father’s side, puts an arm around his shoulders and says simply, ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Foolish boy,’ Llud says gruffly. ‘What have you done with Kai?’ Then he takes a step back and looks at Arthur’s battered face. ‘Ah. I see you and he are friends again, then.’

Arthur grins, somewhat ruefully. ‘Kai’s idea of forgiveness. He’s clean, and fed, and sleeping.’

‘They hurt him, didn’t they?’ Llud says, his face like stone.

‘Nothing that won’t heal,’ Arthur says grimly. ‘Nevertheless, I could kill Cerdig right here and now.’ Arthur’s rage wells up again. His fists clench. ‘Not just for what he did to Kai, though that was bad enough. For what he tried to do to us both. He nearly succeeded, too. I’ve a good mind to go back to his stinking village and slit his throat.’

‘But you won’t,’ Llud says, with a trace of bitterness. ‘If you kill him, and one of his brainless henchmen succeeds him, they will march on us in a punitive expedition of their own. Cerdig trusts your word, and that could be of use. So I suppose we must put our anger aside for the good of our people.’ He spits on the floor. ‘I don’t have to like it, though.’

‘One day,’ Arthur says. ‘One day I will keep the other promise I made to Cerdig, and to Kai. I will hunt down that fat Saxon swine and cut his heart out. Today is not that day – but I can wait.’

Llud nods, then takes himself off to get some sleep.

When Arthur goes back to Kai he finds him sleeping soundly. He sits down beside the bed for a while, just to be able to put a hand on Kai’s shoulder, and listen to the steady rhythm of his breathing.

Arthur’s eyes are starting to fall closed of their own accord; he is just about to go to his own bed when Kai wakes, and reaches out a hand to draw him back.

‘Kai …’ Arthur leans down and rests his head beside Kai’s. ‘I thought I’d lost you. First to Cerdig, and then to my own stupidity …’

‘No ...’ Kai’s voice is low and reassuring; his hand cards through Arthur’s hair. ‘It would take more than either of those to separate me from you. Cerdig is not sufficiently cunning, and I am used to your stupidity.’

Arthur smiles and cuffs him, very gently.

Kai snorts. ‘I promise you, this particular Saxon is on your side. And always will be.’

‘My thanks,’ Arthur says.

And this time he means it from the bottom of his heart.

~~


	2. Healing the Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kai's words have hit home

‘No! Leave me alone! Get away from me!’

 

Arthur jolts awake and sits bolt upright. Kai is thrashing and moaning; dreaming that he’s back in Cerdig’s prison hut and the guards have come for him.

Arthur goes swiftly to his bedside to reassure him, as he has done twice already this night.

‘Kai, it’s all right. Wake up.’

Kai flinches away from Arthur’s touch. ‘No …’

‘Kai!’ Arthur shakes him into wakefulness.

He gasps, and clutches Arthur’s hand. ‘Arthur… I – I thought…’

‘I know.’ Arthur leans over and presses his forehead to Kai’s. ‘But you’re home now.’

Kai closes his eyes, settling back onto the bed, trying to get comfortable as Arthur pulls the blankets back over him; he shifts his position a little, and winces.

‘Are you in pain still?’ Arthur asks.

Kai gives an embarrassed laugh. ‘Only where those damn wet breeches took the skin off on the ride home. They’ve left a mark much worse than anything Cerdig’s men did.’

On the outside, at any rate, Arthur thinks bitterly.

He puts a hand on Kai’s shoulder, and keeps it there as Kai drifts back into sleep.

~~~

When Kai wakes again it is full morning, and Arthur is coming in through the doorway with a covered earthenware pot in his hand.

‘I went to see Leni on your behalf,’ he says. ‘She gave me this.’

‘What is it?’ Kai asks, a little apprehensive.

Arthur grins. ‘I didn’t like to ask. Some kind of salve –’ he lifts the lid, and takes a cautious sniff ‘– but thankfully not one of her really evil-smelling ones.’ He inhales more deeply. ‘Hmmm. Goose fat and something. Comfrey, I think. It should help where you are sore.’

But Kai is still worried. ‘You did not tell her – ’

‘Of course not. I told her your wrists were chafed from the ropes, where they bound you… and to tell anyone who asks, that you have a fever and need to rest for a few days.’

‘Thank you,’ Kai says, grateful for Arthur’s thoughtfulness, which will allow him time to recover in peace before he has to face the rest of the village.

Arthur puts the salve down on the chair beside the bed, and looks at Kai.

‘Will you let me put this on for you?’

Kai nods and turns back the blanket, then lies still as Arthur smears the salve over the rawness on his thighs and in his groin, working the ointment into the skin with careful fingertips.

Kai sighs with contentment; it is such a luxury, after the ordeals of the past few days, to feel safe, and cared for. And already the burning soreness is beginning to ease.

‘That feels good,’ he says. ‘When you next see Leni, tell her that her remedy worked like a charm.’ Then he looks at the container on the chair, and grins. ‘I must say, she’s given me plenty of it, considering she thinks that only my wrists are hurt…’

Still smiling, he reaches down and slides a finger thoughtfully over the greased skin of one thigh.

But Arthur doesn’t answer.

~~~  
Every morning and evening for the next three days, Arthur salves Kai’s hurts tenderly. As the broken skin begins to heal, Kai begins to look forward more and more to this little ritual, and to the feel of Arthur’s hands on him.

Even though Arthur seems to be trying not to touch him anywhere else, on the evening of the third day Kai is hard as rock by the time Arthur is finished.

He moves his hips to make his erection stand proud, hoping Arthur might take the hint and put his hand there.

But Arthur reaches down to pull the blankets back over him, turns away, and sits down on his own bed to take off his boots and tunic.

‘Arthur…’ Kai pleads.

‘What is it?’ Arthur sounds wary.

Kai frowns, puzzled and frustrated.

‘You must have seen… Arthur, it doesn’t hurt any more. Nor am I afraid. You could touch me – sleep here with me, if you wish. But since I have returned, you have not spoken of it – you have not asked me – ’

‘How can I?’ Arthur says.

Kai smiles. ‘It’s very simple. All you have to do is reach out your hand…’

‘To have you fly singing to it?’

The pain in Arthur’s voice cuts like a whiplash into Kai’s heart.

‘How could I ask you,’ Arthur continues, ‘when I know you think it means nothing to me – that I do not need you, and never have? “Even when you took me to your bed,” you said. Have you doubted my love from the very beginning, then? From the very first time we –’

Arthur chokes, and falls silent; he turns his back on Kai, and struggles to compose himself.

When Arthur speaks again, Kai can barely hear him. ‘That first time … I gave myself to you. Utterly and completely. Have you forgotten?’

Kai has not; but he can find nothing to say. He had not thought that the bitter words he hurled in his anger would wound Arthur so deeply.

‘It has been the same, every time since.’ Arthur doesn’t turn round. ‘Always I have sought to put your needs before my own. To give, and not to take … and still you think I have just been using you … How could you say that, Kai, how could you?’

He gets to his feet and begins to pace restlessly up and down in the confined space of the bedchamber, fists clenched. He opens his mouth to speak, and thinks better of it; goes to the doorway and turns back; picks up a cup from the table, and sets it down again. Finally in frustration he flings himself down on his bed, and lies with his face turned to the wall.

Kai feels sick at what he has done. He can think of no words that might begin to mend this; but he cannot just lie here and do nothing.

And Arthur is still in the room; has not gone away.

Perhaps that is cause for hope.

Kai crosses to Arthur’s bed and lies down behind him.

Arthur is rigid and unresponsive, but at least he doesn’t push Kai away; Kai puts an arm over him and waits. After what seems an age, Arthur heaves a huge sigh, and relaxes slightly against Kai’s chest.

‘I hurt you ...’ Arthur says. It is a statement, not a question.

Kai takes a deep breath. ‘Yes. You hurt me. You abandoned me, rejected me, and then insulted me. I was helpless and angry – and I was afraid.’

‘Afraid of what?’

‘That it might really be true. That I’d stayed loyal to you, only to come home and find that your faith in me was less than I’d thought – or else how could you make such accusations?’

‘You were so angry with me… I really thought you’d leave.’ Arthur sounds desolate.

‘If you’d been thinking straight you’d have known better.’ Kai pulls Arthur closer. ‘For a start, I couldn’t have got back on a horse, in the state I was in… I might have wandered round the village for a while feeling sorry for myself, but that would have been all. I didn’t want to hurt you – I wanted reassurance.’

Arthur snorts. ‘You went a strange way about getting it.’

‘I was in pain, and afraid you might spurn me again. That would have finished me. I know now that none of the things I said was true. If I could take those words back again, I would…’

‘You meant them at the time. I thought it was all over. It was a relief when you started hitting me.’ Arthur reaches for Kai’s hand, lifts it to his face and presses his cheek against it. ‘Then I knew there was hope for us after all.’

Kai starts to laugh, but it comes out as a sob. He strokes Arthur’s hair; kisses the nape of his neck.

‘I’m sorry. For the words and the blows. And for losing faith…’

Arthur rolls over to face him. ‘Kai, I – I know I am sometimes less kind than I might be. But I do need you. Never doubt it.’

‘Never again,’ Kai says, looking into Arthur’s eyes. ‘Never again, I promise.’

And suddenly they are both hard.

Arthur struggles out of his breeches with frantic haste; and when they kiss, Kai has to hold Arthur back, sensing that he is on the brink.

‘Steady, now,’ Kai says, although he too is breathless. ‘We’ve got all night. And I’m not going anywhere.’

‘Take me.’ Arthur lies back on the bed. He is pale, and sweating. ‘Please, Kai. I need you to – ’

Arthur seems suddenly vulnerable; he wants this so much. Perhaps too much. Kai puts a hand on Arthur’s chest, feeling Arthur’s racing heart thudding against his fingers. ‘Are you sure? Wouldn’t you rather just – ?’

Arthur shakes his head with desperate resolve. ‘I need this. Please… let me prove myself to you.’

Kai knows how that feels. He looks at Arthur with compassion, then coaxes him onto his side; he strokes the taut, perfect curves of Arthur’s buttocks; slides a hand between them.

Arthur moans and shudders as Kai’s fingers touch the ring that guards his entrance; he presses himself against Kai’s hand, but he is clenched tight, as though his body doesn’t want this even if his heart does.

Kai silently blesses Leni as he reaches for the pot of salve.

‘Lie back for me, Arthur,’ he murmurs. ‘Let me help you…’ Arthur turns onto his back, and Kai bends over to kiss his belly and groin and cock. Arthur closes his eyes and moans softly; Kai’s greased fingers slip smoothly into the cleft and patiently, lovingly persuade Arthur to open up to him.

‘There,’ he says, trying to sound calm despite the welter of feelings that the sight and the feel of Arthur’s body are arousing in him. ‘That’s better. You’re ready for me now – if you’re sure…’

‘Yes,’ Arthur says, moving sensuously under Kai’s hands. ‘Yes, I’m sure.’

So Kai smooths more salve over his prick; he lifts Arthur’s knees up and back, then guides himself into place, feeling his shaft hot and slick in his hand.

Despite Kai’s careful preparation, Arthur is still tense, resisting entry; but Kai persists, pressing and nudging and speaking quiet words of love, until finally Arthur yields enough for Kai to slide into him.

Kai draws a long, shaky breath at the feel of Arthur tight around him – and Arthur is already coming, head thrown back, fists clenched, one forearm pressed across his mouth to stifle his cries.

Kai puts a firm hand on Arthur’s prick, helping him, the wetness spreading between his fingers.

Something isn’t right. He moves to withdraw – but Arthur reaches for him, clings to him: ‘Don’t leave me.’

So Kai stays, propped on his forearms, looking down on Arthur’s troubled face and trying to hold still for fear of doing Arthur harm. Arthur is trembling.

Kai says quietly, ‘Arthur … are you afraid of this? Of me?’

For a while Arthur can’t answer … then he whispers, ‘No, of myself.’

‘Why?’ Kai’s heart is wrung.

‘I hurt you.’ There are tears in Arthur’s eyes. ‘And I may hurt you again if we – if I let you –’

Kai kisses him on the forehead. ‘I know. It’s like having no skin. We could destroy each other, you and I.’

‘I am afraid to let you love me…’

‘I am afraid you have no choice.’ Kai strokes his fingertips over the contours of Arthur’s face. ‘I’m willing to take the risk, and anyway it’s too late now. You couldn’t stop me if you tried.’

Arthur’s answering smile is very faint, but the tightness around Kai’s prick eases slightly.  
Kai presses into him a little further, and says, ‘Please don’t try…’

Arthur shakes his head, and begins to move with a slow rhythm, giving and giving to Kai until he can’t hold back any longer.

It seems so long since he last had the chance to take Arthur like this; he tries not to be rough when he comes, but as the ecstasy sweeps through him he thrusts deep and hard, unable to stop himself. He makes Arthur cry out, and afterwards, to his sorrow, he finds that Arthur is bleeding a little.

Arthur lies and sobs with his head on Kai’s shoulder; Kai feels tears prickling his own eyes as he strokes Arthur’s hair and tries to comfort him.

At last Arthur seems a little calmer; Kai fetches a cloth and cleans them both.

When it’s done, he lies beside Arthur and holds his hand.

‘I hadn’t forgotten that first night, you know,’ he says, after a while. ‘On the hearthrug…’

Arthur sniffs, wipes his eyes and tries to smile. ‘We didn’t even get as far as the bed.’

Kai gives a shaky laugh. ‘No, we didn’t. And neither of us had much idea what to do, did we?’

‘I don’t remember that stopping us.’ Arthur turns onto his side, into Kai’s encircling arm. ‘But I do remember how it felt…’

‘Mmm.’ Kai is light-headed with relief at being back where he belongs: in Arthur’s bed. ‘There was a freezing draught under the door, those sheepskins were rough, the floor was lumpy, and I’ve never been so afraid in my life.’ He is chuckling now. ‘Oh, and your hands were cold…’

‘Yours were colder.’

‘You didn’t complain at the time.’

Arthur props himself on his elbow, and looks down at Kai; and now Kai sees Arthur smile – really smile – for the first time in many days. It is a sight that makes Kai’s heart sing.

‘I had other things to think about,’ Arthur says.

‘Such as?’ Kai grins back.

‘This,’ Arthur says, and leans over to kiss Kai on the mouth.

~~~

Next morning they wake from dreamless sleep, and in the same bed; Arthur turns down the blanket, and reaches for the salve.

Kai’s smile lights up the whole room.


End file.
